Feeling Triggered or Defensive? What’s the disconnect?

I had a tightness in my chest and my breathing accelerated to the point that I felt I could not control it. I was getting excited, or was it fearful, at the conversation that was transpiring. Maybe I was nervous? Nervous that the other person was not understanding what I was trying to say. Nervous that they were not “listening” to me.

Oh, I understood their point, LOUD and CLEAR. Yet there was no discourse, only comebacks, and opposition. So, I stopped talking. Which is what I was told by my mother to do as a young child. “If someone is not listening to you, simply stop talking because you're wasting your breath.”

So I find myself not speaking in most conversations. I find that I get riled up and I have to step back and find out why I am having a physical reaction to a conversation? I feel like this happens to most of us and we might not be fully aware of what is going on. Between the words we are hearing, the words we are saying, and how each is being interpreted by the other person.

Most conversations start innocuously enough and yet they transform into arguments or debates. This is what it feels like to be triggered and when we put up our defenses. Those walls we construct feel tight, constricted, chaotic, and most of all not very good.

What can we do when this happens? Take a second, try to listen. Listen to the words the person is saying, listen to what they are not saying, and if you are misunderstanding them, ASK them what they mean. Take a step out of the conversation and check-in with yourself. What are they saying that is causing your temperature to rise and your fight or flight system to react? Is it an experience you had with someone else or an attachment to the words they are using?

Another thing we can do is focus on the breath. Focus on your inhale and exhale. See where the breath moves through the body or see where it gets ‘stuck’. Give yourself a chance to process what is happening in the conversation and how it is moving forward, or not.

Your feelings are valid and working through them gives us better clarity and openness to learn or to set boundaries around who and what we speak to in our daily conversations. What can you take away from your triggers and defenses?